15 avril 2010

Le Choc des Titans (Louis Leterrier, 2010)

Télé-Olympo, la météo des héros !

(présentée par Zeus, notre céleste correspondant)



Comme toujours, un temps divin sur l'Olympe, une fois passée la couronne de nuages. Attention toutefois, les visites intempestives d'Hadès pourraient entraîner des perturbations en cours de film.



Chez les humbles mortels en revanche, l'anticyclone va donner lieu à des perturbations climatiques des plus déconcertantes :

- éclosion précoce de scorpions géants dans les régions désertiques. Ne sois pas rebuté, Héros, par leur apparence farouche, les Djinns (???) ont profité d'une excursion en Terre du Milieu pour dérober à Peter Jackson sa technique de domptage des Mumakils. Bien qu'un peu mouvementée (nous n'avons pas compris s'il s'agissait de belles images de synthèse filmées façon Parkinson, ou d'animatroniques rupestres, dans tous les cas ce n'est pas très fluide), l'excursion reste pittoresque, si tu aimes Mouloud, les guerriers en jupette, le sable, Mouloud, ou les combats filmés façon Michael Bay sous LSD (sincèrement, on ne croyait pas que c'était possible). Aspirine pour le Héros.


- aux approches du repaire des Sorcières, une dépression est à signaler, occasionnant une légère chute de température. Héros, sois prévoyant, avril, le fil et tout le toutim, et, comme notre nymphe locale, adopte sans hésiter et à prix doux cette élégante serpillère proposée par nos sponsors.


Une fois encore, ne t'inquiète pas des trois sorcières : ce ne sont que des stagiaires venues du Labyrinthe de Pan pour combler les blancs. Regarde ou revois le Labyrinthe de Pan, tu apprendras comment les vaincre (non, même pas un grain de raisin !). Et puis après le Choc des Titans, ça te fera un bien fou de voir un bon film.

- à l'entrée des Enfers, prudence ! l'atmosphère est humide et le Passeur aussi capricieux qu'on peut l'être lorsqu'on est soudé à sa propre barque par un sushi de carton-pâte. Si la crainte de Charon t'assaille, n'oublie pas, Héros, que ton prévoyant Papa t'a donné une pièce en chocolat à l'effigie de Louis XIV. Personne ne sait pourquoi, mais ça marche.

- sous terre, en revanche, les températures s'élèvent et les forces telluriques instables rendront tes pas hésitants. Prends garde ! entre les silhouettes charbonnées de tes compagnons figés (restez bien immobiles, les gars, ça tourne !) t'attend une incommensurable déception : on t'avait promis la belle Natalia Vodianova, las ! les Dieux t'ont joué, une fois encore, et te voilà face à une image de synthèse sans âme et sans relief, arborant sans honte un soutien-gorge en vinyle qui donnerait des hauts-le-coeur à David Lachapelle.

ll me faut t'avouer pour finir, Héros, que les prévisions maritimes ne tournent guère à ton avantage. Depuis que d'autres crétins en jupette ont balancé ma statue dans la mer, il a bien fallu que je me fâche. J'ai tué ton papa, ta maman, ta soeurette. J'ai fait amende honorable, je t'ai comblé de présents. Mais malgré la pièce en chocolat, tu ne m'aimes toujours pas.

Aussi, cher Héros, je suis au regret de t'informer que, contrairement à la tagline qui proclamait sur l'affiche, "Du ciel viendra l'Enfer", c'est un monstre marin que tu auras à affronter, sur son propre territoire. Et ne me demande pas pourquoi Poséidon n'a pas eu voix au chapitre, je n'ai pas compris non plus. Pendant qu'on se battait dans son royaume, assis sur un récif coranique, il grignotait des Carambars.


Sur mer donc, l'anticyclone libèrera un beau Kraken et quelques furies, que la Parkinsocaméra ne te laissera pas le temps de voir. Heureusement, avec une tête dans un sac et un cheval qui vole, il n'est guère besoin d'utiliser ses yeux, et encore moins son cerveau. Tends le bras fièrement, Héros ! Pour avoir rendu à la mer ce qui ne lui appartenait pas, moi, ton céleste Papa, je t'accorderai la plus inattendue, la plus belle de toutes les récompenses : je ramènerai des Enfers ton aimée, la belle Io, qui avait pourtant bien pris le temps de mourir, et d'une façon si touchante ! et je te la rendrai, nimbée de lumière, avec sa serpillère et tout le bazar.

Pendant ce temps, au dessus de vos têtes, le fier Pégase dessinera de son vol léger des arabesques.... Comment ça, Hadès, j'ai trop regardé de films Disney ? .... Viens me le dire en face si tu l'oses ! .... HADES !!!
La communication avec notre correspondant ayant été brutalement interrompue, nous vous donnons rendez-vous aux prochaines Calendes grecques pour un nouveau bulletin météo. Celui-ci vous était présenté en direct des Olympo-Studios, grâce à une technologie révolutionnaire. Vous pouvez ici apercevoir notre correspondant badinant avec son jeune frère Hadès sur ce plateau d'un nouveau genre.... EH, LES GARS ! LES GARS ! VOUS MARCHEZ SUR LE PLANISPHERE, CA VA PAS DU TOUT ! LES GARS ! ....


Retranscription : Noémie



Si vous avez aimé ce bulletin, n'oubliez pas de voter pour ZEUS au CASTING CANAL + MISS METEO, avec TELE-OLYMPO, la météo des Héros, la météo qu'il vous faut !

29 commentaires:

Marie a dit…

Ah ben tu vois, j'ai pas à être déçue de pas aller au ciné, si c'est pour voir des merveilles pareilles !
Bravo pour la retranscription fidèle, j'aime tout particulièrement la serpillère, mais Mouloud et les guerriers en jupette ne sont pas mal non plus !

Mathilde Cazes a dit…

Bravo Noémie ! Je me marre devant mon écran, c'est chouette

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